Well, today marks 11 years that my beloved husband passed away. My beloved has been in my thoughts all day. So many memories. And it was not an easy day with the busyness of work that was complicated by so much distraction. Some of my coworkers knew what today meant to me and they were truly kind and supportive. And I urged everyone to just let me try to achieve normalcy and do my job. It was so hard to achieve that balance, but I persevered. And as the day progressed to evening, I wondered – should I attempt to write anything about how I felt today. Yes, yes, I need to write to release my emotions. I reflected on the beauty of our marriage and also the dark side of his illness and death. I reflected on people that I knew were surrounding me with prayer and meditations seeking ways to lessen the depth of the sorrow that wells up in me on this anniversary of his death. It really is difficult to lose the love of your life, even after so many years. And even though I have moved forward with new joy, new endeavors and joy and so much new life with new friends and old friends who have been there for me countless times, there is always this memory tugging at my heartstrings that sometimes pulls me back from my ambitious desire for a new normal. It was a difficult loss, and I know others have experienced this as well. In that sense, I do not feel completely alone. With the doctoral research I have done for my dissertation on trauma, grief and loss, as well as the transformational counseling I have done now for almost 4 years with musicians, I have had the privilege of listening to others share amazingly difficult and gut-wrenchingly emotional stories. It is hard to find physical and emotional healing as one moves forward into a new life. It is hard to be strong at times. And sometimes it is hard to be joyful and happy and perky. Sometimes I just want somebody to be there for me in silence just to let me know that I am not alone on this particular day. So aside from that, I have a poem to share with you. It will be in book 2 of Sex and Sorrow 365. I wrote this poem after a few months of my loss. The poem is Poem #107 of 365.
Loving Forever
Clouds and showers
Could never dampen our sunshine.
The love we shared only brightened
Our skies – holding hand and
Simple physical amour.
You knew just how to be there
Close, touching, hugging and
Making me feel like the most
Important part of your world.
I was totally in you.
And you in me, forever embraced
In the intimacy of a deep love –
A love that molded us as one soul
Destined to never come apart …
Even in death.
Now that you have crossed over
To the universal place of eternity
I wonder about you. I want to feel you near.
You come through others who care
For me because they loved you too.
© ® ™beckedrake 2015, 2026